School Safety Talk
by Umeko
Summary: Okita's ill and the Comedian Trio stand in for him at the Fire Safety Talk at the local kindergarten. Be afraid, very,very afraid.


Disclaimer: I do not own PMK or its characters. The character Yamada Hanako is purely fictional & is not related in any way to PMK.

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**School Safety Talk**

Kyoto. Shinsengumi HQ. Yamanami has the Comedian Trio in his office: Sanosuke, Shinpachi and Heisuke. Yamanami peered at the three captains through his glasses. _Sorry I've got to do this to you...Trust me, it'd hurt you more than it does me, a lot more. _

"Due to unforeseen circumstances, I've to ask you three to undertake this very, very important mission." The captains stood to attention. "You will go to the Temple School and give the kids there a Fire Safety Talk. I understand that you did a terrific job at the Old Folks' Centre..." Shinpachi winced.

"Hang on! Wasn't this supposed to be Tetsu, Hijitaka and Okita's job this round? Okita's great with kids," Harada Sanosuke roared. "What do the three of us know about handling kids?"

"Okita, er, unfortunately," Yamanami coughed. "Okita-san has been taken ill. A most unforeseeable circumstance...Hijitaka-san has some urgent business to see to out of town. And Tetsu has gone with him as his page."

Peering into the office, Saizou grinned in his piggy manner. _The three stooges giving a safety talk. What a sight that'll be. _Too bad his young master was too ill to do without his company. With a shrug, the piglet tottered off to his master's bedside.

* * *

At the school, Shinpachi is looking decidedly worried. "Okay, Sano-kun, what is the proper way of helping someone whose clothes have caught fire?"

"Wait, I know this! Stomp out the fire!" Shinpachi flinched. "No, no! Smother the flames with a wet blanket!" He recalled the pain of broken ribs from the last demo.

"I see a brood of little demons," Saitou suddenly appeared behind them, scaring the daylights out of the two men.

"Guys, we better get our act together. The kids are coming...they're coming..." Heisuke ran to them. "Saitou-sama! We need your help here! Saitou?" Saitou had disappeared as if by magic. _No way am I hanging around... _"YYAAAAHAAA!!!!" A brood of hyper-energetic children poured out of the classroom and gathered around the three Shinsengumi captains. _This was worse than getting surrounded by Choushu dogs, much worse...At least with the Choushu, you can always cut them down to size._

A pale woman with a harried look ala Ayu-nee-on-a-bad-day bowed politely to the men. Her hair was disheveled and her smile strained as she introduced herself. Her voice had a tremor in it.

"My name is Yamada Hanako. I'm the teacher-in-charge here. Thank you, thank you for coming! I leave my students in your capable hands while I go prepare their lunch..." She stopped as if unsure how to continue. "Er, if you require any help, just yell really, really loud. Sayonara!" _We have a very bad feeling about this..._The Comedian Trio glanced at each other. _Is it a bad sign that Yamada-sensei took to her heels and bolted off to the school kitchen? Maybe she left something on the stove..._But the men were not too sure. A peal of hysterical laughter sounded from the kitchen...

The children's upturned faces stared at the men. "Where's Souji-nii-chan? He always gives us candy! And where's Saizou-chan?" A girl tugged at Heisuke's sleeve. "Sorry, miss, Souji is ill...Wait! Wait!" The girl brawled, triggering a chain reaction. "WE WANT SOUJII-NII-CCHHAAANNN!!!!!" _Damn the fates for letting Okita fall ill at this time! How could they prefer a piggy over the Comedian Trio?_

"QUIET! Sit down now!" Captain Harada roared as he tried to restore some order. The children stopped crying and sat down. "Okay, we're from your friendly neighborhood watch group, the Shinsengumi, and we're here to teach you ...OUCH!" A pebble hit Harada on his nose. "You little brat!" Harada raged as a little boy with a catapult pulled faces at the giant.

"Sanosuke! Calm down!" His two friends restrained him before he could rip the young offender to shreds. They fell to the ground with a loud crash, much to the children's amusement.

They finally got the talk underway when...

"When you're caught in a smoke-filled room, you drop to the ground like so..." Shinpachi got onto his hands and knees. "Horseback ride!" A kid built like a mini sumo wrestler pounced on poor Shinpachi, who crashed to the ground.

"Shinpachi!" Heisuke and Harada hauled the kicking youngster off a semi-conscious Shinpaichi. "Shinpachi! Speak to us!" Shinpachi gave a weak groan. _At least he was still alive, bruised maybe, but alive._ The little kid was yelling his lungs out.

"Er, we've got twenty kids, right?" A frown creased Heisuke's face as he counted heads from the raised porch where he stood. _Twenty kids, including the wailing sumo-kid. Twenty innocent faces stared back at him. Problem was they started the talk with twenty-two. _"Where did your two little friends go off to? Can anyone tell Heisuke-san?" Heisuke put on his best smile.

A little girl with a doll piped up. "Yumi knows! Taro-kun and Jiro-kun say they went to get fireworks."

"Where are they? Can Yumi-chan tell Heisuke-san?" Heisuke smiled. _Maybe everything will work out..._

The girl shrugged. "Under the porch." Two boys suddenly dashed out from under the porch as a burst of fire erupted through the porch, singing Heisuke's hair and setting his clothes alight.

"Heisuke!" Harada tore off his own outer coat and threw it around Heisuke. He beat the flames out with his large hands. The few older children doused the fire on the porch with buckets of water. A shocked and soot-covered Heisuke soon joined Shinpachi, who is still recovering, in the classroom. _At least Harada got it right this time._

"Now you imps are gonna pay!" Harada roared like an angry bull. The children scattered in all directions with gleeful laughs. The enraged giant zoomed in on the two fire-bugs. Taro and Jiro led Harada on a merry chase through the yard, into the classroom and out, through the yard again...then ran past the tree. CRACK!! Harada never saw that low branch.

In the kitchen, Yamada-sensei has calmed down a bit._ Fujio-san can have his stinking class back when he gets back to Kyoto! _Still cursing him, Yamada Hanako swore never ever to do relief teaching again. She was still swearing when Yumi-chan fetched her. She took in the sight of the downed giant and sent an older child off to the Shinsengumi HQ for assistance...

* * *

Saizou buhi-ed in protest as Hijitaka tried to drag the piglet out off the room. "Tetsu! Remove this- this creature before it dirties the futon!" Tetsu grabbed the angry piglet. Okita chuckled as the still-protesting Saizou is carried off. Hijitaka felt Okita's forehead. "I'm feeling better, really..."

"You're still feverish," Hijitaka said firmly. "Lie down and get some rest. I'm glad I got back earlier than expected. Don't argue with me, Souji."

"But the Fire Safety Talk...I promised the kids. And I taught Saizou some tricks..."

"Yamanami-san has made the necessary arrangements. Don't you worry ...the Comedian Trio can handle it."

"I was looking forward to teaching the children fire safety...Those kids are so adorably cute and innocent," Okita said gently with a smile on his pale lips. Hijitaka returned the smile. _Just like you, Souji. At times, you're a kid yourself._ Okita always had a way with young children and animals. "Souji, ever considered starting a child-care?"

"Me? Starting a child-care?" The captain of the first patrol laughed. "Which parent will use a child-care started by a member of the Shinsengumi?" Footsteps rang down the corridor. A breathless Tetsu flung open the door without knocking, to Hijitaka's disgust. _As his page, the boy should know better!_

"Terrible news! They just brought them back on stretchers. The doctor's seeing to them. I dunno what happened but Tatsu-nii says it may have been an attack!" Saizou made use of this momentary distraction to sneak back onto his master's futon.

"What are you blabbering about, boy?" Hijitaka grabbed Tetsu firmly by his collar and sat him down. Tetsu took two deep breaths before continuing. "Harada, Shinpachi and Heisuke...The doc says Shinpachi has broken ribs. Heisuke has burns and Harada's out cold."

"Oh! Whatever happened? I thought they were giving that Safety Talk," Okita asked with surprise and worry. "I hope none of the children were hurt..."

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Author's note:

OK, Sorry for putting the Comedian Trio through hell. Wonder if Okita could do better. Thanks for the reviews, friends & fangirls. I rather like this fic myself.


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